


The Old Razzle Dazzle

by ScarfyTheShipster



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Adventure, Con Artists, Gen, Lies and Crafts, Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 03:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10733031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarfyTheShipster/pseuds/ScarfyTheShipster
Summary: Felix, Sasha, and Fiona have a long track record of successful and seamless cons, frauds, and scams.However, those Wanted posters had to come from somewhere.





	The Old Razzle Dazzle

Cons and frauds were risky, but it was the way of life for Fiona and Sasha.

Simply existing on Pandora was risky.

Felix examined their counterfeit bills under his ultra violet light. "Yes, you're getting much better! Could almost convince me." 

Sasha folded her arms. "Will they work in a vending machine? Marcus isn't fooled easily."

"Have I ever been wrong?" asked Felix, setting the lamp down. They were crowded into the dimly lit safe house with crafting supplies strewn all over the tables. It was cluttered, messy, and above all: home.

"Yes," insisted Fiona.

Felix huffed. "Fine. Point is, they'll work not only for the vendors, but at the supply store. I want only the highest quality paint if we're going to pull this off." 

Creating fake bills took a lot of time and effort. It would've been convenient to only have to literally make their money, but people would catch on too fast. Only using them at a couple locations was best. "Ready to go over the plan?" asked Fiona. 

Concepts are simple. Executions are not.

Fiona casually walked through Hollowpoint meandering down streets she didn't necessarily need to go and making any effort to appear relaxed like a regular, law abiding citizen. She stopped at a Marcus vendor and slipped the money inside, waiting for it to take.

The machine spat the bills out.

"Oh my god," she muttered, sticking it in again. "Please please pleeeeeaaase." It rejected her money once again and she reached up to her ear to call Felix and Sasha-

"Excuse me, ma'am?" A man with an Irish accent tapped her on the shoulder. "Vending machine not takin'? Damn things are a real test of patience. Wanna trade and try my bills?"

"Sure! Oh thank you," Fiona said with relief. They traded and she gave him a flattering smile. 

The guy tipped his hat and Fiona took note of the four leaf clover stuck in the side of it. He was a tall brunet, dressed like a gentleman, albeit with a shotgun on his person. "Wouldn't want to see a lady unable to defend herself. What's your name?"

So it begins. "Janet."

"Well, see ya Janet! Maybe for a drink?"

Fiona looked him up and down, pretending to actually want a date. Of course he wanted a date. No favor on Pandora was ever free. "Sure, I'm free Wednesday. At The Stalker Bar?"

The bar's mascot was an actual stalker creature, but it was too aptly named.

"I was hoping you could visit the brewery, but that works too! See ya, sweetheart. Name's Quinn."

Fiona watched him walk away and quickly pushed the wad of bills inside. She bought as many low quality white rarity weapons as possible and used the rest of her counterfeit on paint. 

She started talking the moment she was back inside. "We got a problem. The bills didn't take."

"Damn," muttered Felix.

"But a guy traded money with me in exchange for a date."

"Good!" exclaimed Sasha.

"He was a Zaford," said Fiona with dread.

Sasha's face fell. "Fuck." 

Felix shook his head. "We still do this. The offer is already written up!" 

The whole idea was to tap into the Zaford clans' need for more and more weapons to fight the Hodunks. Felix wrote up a contract, promising the delivery of blue and purple guns to the Zafords, when in reality they were white rarity that they stole from Marcus and made up to look fancier with Felix's eye for detail. 

A Zaford knowing Fiona AND having her counterfeit bills though, that complicated things.

"Say you got scammed," Sasha was saying. "You had no idea they were fake! Your boss cheated you out of your pay and you were gonna buy a gun to take revenge on him. His name is, uh. Barry. Yeah, his name is Barry Cuttlefisher and he lives out at the Happy Pig Motel and you were a clerk for his fish store and he has three children and a complicated relationship with his ex and said ex's boyfriend and he wants a threesome REAL bad so he wanted to pocket more money and get them a nice dinner to get his wife back and get a piece of her boyfriend AND it all ultimately results in him not having to have a custody battle for their kittens!"

Fiona and Felix stared. Felix chuckled and said, "I love you, my little improviser."

"Okay, I'm just gonna stick with Barry and add in whatever else I need," said Fiona. 

"Above all, threesomes, okay?" insisted Sasha. "He'll lose his train of thought guaranteed." 

Felix was the artistic mastermind behind most of their projects, but Sasha and Fiona pitched in too. Everyone got to work painting the guns to look rarer and more valuable. Metallic paint certainly did make them look like legitimate treasure.

Fiona sighed, sitting beside Sasha and putting finishing touches on a bandit pistol. "You don't think I blew this one before we even started, do you?"

Sasha shook her head. "Nah, we'll make it. Remember that I'm gonna be Nikki Mendez, weapons specialist. They haven't seen me. You may not even have to walk in the door." 

They were screwed if they messed this up. Fiona had to trust Sasha to do most of the work. "Alright. I'll be your backup." 

Fiona couldn't help but be nervous. It was an exhilarating kind of nervous, a thrilling high of adrenaline. It never got old. 

Sasha and Felix arrived at the Zaford headquarters first, hiking through tall grass and sand carrying the crate of modified guns. Mick Zaford with his signature green bowler hat, waited by the door for them. "Nikki 'Trigger Finger' Mendez! I've been hoping to meet you for quite some time." 

"I have great respect for the Zafords. My pleasure."

Mick was pleased. He turned to Felix and asked, "And you?"

"Felix. Nikki's a good friend."

"Alright, all friends are welcome! We pride ourselves on hospitality after all. Please, come in for a few drinks and talk over dinner. Hope you like potatoes."

Felix, Sasha, and Fiona had put a lot of thought into who to scam next. It had to be someone who hasn't seen them before, and someone who simply wouldn't blow their heads off. A clan would have ample funds to pay them for a set of guns. The Hodunk clan was more trigger happy than the Zafords by far, and the Zafords prided themselves on being civilized and anything the Hodunks weren't, even if they contributed to to the violent feud. 

Zafords were still tough. The mission grew more and more dangerous the more time spent with the Zafords, but trying to rush out would seem suspicious. Fiona decided to head in a couple minutes behind them, just in case something went wrong. 

She followed where they had gone and was stopped by a bouncer. "Haven't seen you before, miss."

"I'm here for Quinn." Fiona put on her best smile. "I'm Janet. I know I told him Wednesday, but-"

"Oh! Oh yeah, come in, have a drink."

Maybe it was for the best she'd encountered Quinn. Fiona pretended to wander the bar but was intent on eavesdropping on Sasha, Felix, and Mick.

They were seated at a long table in the center of the room. Wooden tables and chairs with golden lighting and clover designs on the walls made the place feel like a home. The bar was huge and nearly every stool was taken by customers chatting with bartenders. Barrels on tap lined the back wall behind the counter and Fiona ordered a drink and stayed close to the main table.

"Jimbo Hodunk is a hard man to get at," Mick was saying. "Our only hope if we can't outnumber them is to outgun." 

"We got you covered in that department," said Sasha enthusiastically. She pushed her beer aside and opened the padded case. "Seven blue and purple rarity weapons, all brand new." She handed Mick a Hyperion weapon, made up to look like it packed three times the firepower it really did. "Hyperion may be a vile corporation, but we can all appreciate using their own stuff against them. When that stabilizes, the accuracy is at 97."

An easy lie, considering no one would ever know it didn't have such a high accuracy until after several consecutive shots. Mick examined it, but found no fault with it. "I'm likin' it." 

"How about $2500? Quite a bargain, in my opinion," said Sasha. 

Mick set a pile of bills on the table. "My boys who were interested pitched in quite a bit. $1500."

It would've been perfect-

If Fiona's fake money hadn't been in the pile. Her eyes flicked to Felix with alarm and he made the briefest eye contact possible with her. He knew. Counting the fake money, they were going to make barely over $1000. Not enough.

"Janet! Heard you were here."

Fiona dreaded facing Quinn, but she gave in, turning towards him. "Oh hi! I found some time to visit the distillery after all. Thought I'd surprise you." 

"You are FULL of surprises, dear." Quinn smirked at her and Fiona's stomach flipped. Did he realize what she'd done? "Care to sit with me?"

"Duh, that's why I'm here!" Fiona followed him to his table and she tried to ignore the deal happening behind her. "Soooo, plans for our first date?"

Quinn laughed. "Maybe- depends on if you're worth that money I gave you. What's your idea, huh? You know that was counterfeit? Got a nasty surprise back home here lookin at it real close."

Oh no. Fiona covered her mouth and exclaimed, "What?! No. No you're kidding me!"

"Yeah. It's real good though, so I'm using it on those guys selling boss some weapons. Still though, where'd you get that?!" Quinn wasn't particularly intimidating, but Fiona couldn't get the whole clan after them. 

"Threesomes!"

Quinn choked on his whiskey. "What?!"

"Okay, so- oh my god Barry," rambled Fiona. "He was my boss. He ran the arts and craft supply store in Hollowpoint, and I used to work for him."

"Oh yeah, Lovecraft? Nice place. Great yarn bargains."

Fiona nodded. "He was a behind the scenes kinda guy, cause he was a sleazebag. His wife dumped him and he was trying to hop in with her and her boyfriend, you know, like buy one get one free. He was taking money out of the store so our stock was low, and now I guess I shouldn't be surprised he stiffed me my wages!" Fiona banged her fist on the table. "If I hadn't already killed him I'd do it again!" 

Quinn seemed close to buying it. "So where's your gun? The one you bought and used?"

She was quick to reply. "Oh come on, you think I'd come here armed? You're my date! I feel perfectly safe." Even for Fiona, that was a huge lie. Luckily, it was enough Quinn felt flattered and relaxed, talking to her about Zaford traditions.

Her ears still twitched in the direction of her sister.

"Now listen, Mick. You got some nice ale, but I haven't forgotten how to haggle." Sasha leaned forward just enough to be seductive. "C'mon, this girl knows her stuff. $1500 is too low."

"The only thing too low is your shirt at this angle, Nikki. I want a real bargain. $1500."

Felix jumped in. "You know, I can sweeten the pot. I have an extra little beauty for you." He took out a sniper rifle and held it up. "A vintage S&S Munitions incendiary sniper. On its own, likely worth $3000. I'll throw it in with the rest of the guns for a grand total of $2500." 

Mick took the sniper, which was indeed S&S and incendiary. "Alright, I'm thinking about it." To Felix and Sasha's alarm, Mick started to load it with ammo to test it out. "I'm rather picky about snipers, now it being S&S-"

Thing was, the barrel was warped and the trigger didn't work and Felix didn't have time to wait for Mick to realize it was broken junk. "Fiona!"

Fiona's first mistake was forgetting to tell Felix she was going by an alias.

Her second was responding to her name.

Quinn grabbed her arm. "Hey! Fiona's a much nicer name than Janet. Shame you lied to me. How many other lies did you tell me, huh?"

"Listen-"

"You know them! And you're acting all sneaky passing fake dough around. I see how it is! Hey boss!" yelled Quinn. "These guys-"

Felix suddenly leapt up on the table. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have the greatest element of all to bring to you!" A homemade grenade hit the floor and smoke exploded from it with a deafening bang. "Surprise!"

In the chaos and enraged screaming that followed, Fiona stumbled her way out of the crowded bar, falling over tables and blending into the ruckus. She bolted out the door behind Felix and Sasha with a few men firing at them, giving her just enough time to jump into the caravan and catch her balance before Felix sped off.

She collapsed into a chair and panted. She exchanged looks with Sasha, whose arms were full of cash. "Everyone alright?"

"Yeah," said Sasha.

"I'm alive and well." Felix turned to Fiona. "Sorry, Janet."

"It's alright. As soon as Mick started to load the sniper, we'd have to book it anyway." 

Fiona wasn't sure if it was a true success or not. They had their lives, and some profits, but they'd been caught red handed. She grinned at Sasha as Sasha counted out the money. "Huh, $1300. Not bad." Sasha looked at Fiona. "You?"

She held up three wallets, one of which was Quinn's. "I'm sure we made at least our $1500, in real money. That's something." 

"They won't let this go," warned Felix. "Those wanted posters are about to get worse. We'd better plan big for our next heist." He drummed his fingers on the wheel as he drove. "How about a vault key?"

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to do this for a long time and put a lot of thought into it, thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> I don't remember quite all the details about the Zaford's home so I ran with the sorta vibe I thought it had. 
> 
> I'd love any of your guys thoughts!


End file.
